The Power of Positive Reinforcement
Do you respond better if there is something positive at the end of a long and painful road waiting for you? Or, you know, like when Sheldon feeds Penny chocolates to help her grow….Sure, not the most classic of Pygmalion cases, but you have to admit, he’s got a point ;)
I, for one, love the little treat that is always at the end of a challenging task. Sometimes it’s the best coffee in town or a panna cotta dessert after a long bike ride that takes me to places out of my comfort zone. Can be an episode of fav show on Netflix when I finish some mundane, yet necessary project at work. But more often it’s the feeling of an achievement. How so? Because since I remember it came with a praise, the strong belief in me, my super powers and my ability to overcome whatever stands in the way.
A while ago a colleague asked me “what’s your secret? how is it possible that we both try as hard, you keep telling me I’m as skilled and talented, yet you get recognition and people will notice you and appreciate far more than they do me?” I couldn’t find an honest, true answer at that time. Promised to think about it and let him know when I find out. When I did, just recently, it struck me as something important, valuable enough to share with more people. As it often happens, valuable lessons come with a price and so happened this time.
My life from the outside seems like fun and success. This is not because I never had to fight a serious illness, been hurt by those close to me or overcome big problems. The reason is — I am an optimist beyond reason. I have this Pollyanna syndrome that make me see good things in the crappiest of situations. And when others give up, I stand up and fight even more! I do all this while believing in people, making friends, trusting first and opening my heart even if it means getting hurt sometimes. But this is not an answer to my friend’s question. My dad is.
How do you raise a child that is both creative, curious and very sensitive? If she opens up to people, someone will hurt her for sure. If she tries and fail, she’ll be also very hurt. This little girl of yours. But when you see her so proud of overcoming her fears, achieving goals and winning hearts and minds of people you’d never expected to have hearts in the first place, that makes you wonder — maybe instead of protecting her from the world, you need to prepare her for it the best you can.
My dad was so often a pessimist. Sceptic, at best. Yet, he never doubted me, not once over the course of my life. So, while I kept listening to him foreseeing an apocalypse, pointing out the loopholes in law, ethics or science, I also heard how strong I am, how smart, how right. Sure, we will spend countless hours debating over books, solutions, thesis but he’d only disagree at first to see how well I will fight for my cause. No wonder my mum who got to see us this way pushed me to study law, I might have made a good opposing counsel one day if I didn’t have a different idea for my life. The life they both approved of and supported me throughout.
I guess you can call me daddy’s daughter — we’ve spend so much time together: practicing kyokushinkai (karate), going to the movies, studying physics. Debating over books we were reading (those discussions were sometimes pretty fierce and involved a friendly librarian to mediate). Then when I grew up and needed to make my own plethora of mistakes, he waited. He couldn’t say he agreed on my life choices, so he hasn’t said much, but even then I won’t hear him questioning my actions or doubting me. If there is one thing I wish I could change today is to get those 7 stupid years back, so we can have this wasted time now. But hey, we both made some mistakes, not being ideal, being human instead. My dad was not perfect and he understood my imperfections too. He cut me some slack, I did the same and we bonded again as grown ups. Some things never change :) Now I had different stories to tell, instead of books I would tell about real life — finding the love of my life in my school friend, backpacking Australia on my own, comparing Japan 2008 and 2013 with our favourite books (Konparuya Gomez — Back to Edo by Sanijo Naka) and movies (Akiro’s Kurosawa filmography) or overcoming serious health issues by elooping to stay on the road volunteering during a 2 years long honeymoon trip.
My dad was the person I would go to for advice (though he’d say I know better than him, who’s not getting all the data) and to share my successes (I guess we all enjoy being praised and appreciated for our achievements). Till the very end he was encouraging me to reach higher and be proud of who I am. He might not physically be with me anymore, but his unwavering faith in me, his amazing daughter, is still here. Him passing was a matter of time, we knew it will happen, just thought we have more time. He was strong, fought the stage 3, almost 4 cancer off but as he joked himself “the treatment went well but the patient died”, it was too much for his organism. He put up a hell of a fight — when doctors gave him 2 weeks, he made it for 2 years and a lot of this time in rather good condition. We got to make a lot of memories, read more books, rewatch some old movies and have many great talks and walks. And as before, I so often heard how strong a woman I am. How well I am doing now (with examples!) and how well I will do in life. Fighting cancer, then realising you have to leave this life anyway must have been very hard for him. Yet, he managed to walk us through it — me and my mum.
Questioning authority and not putting people of influence on pedestal was what my dad taught me. But I have one hero for sure, the strong man who raised me and prepared me well to face the world. Those last two weeks I’ve been saying final goodbyes to my dad, my friend. The man who always believed in me, unconditionally. If you wonder where these curious, brave and self-confident women come from — well, that one has been assured of her uniqueness, challenged in debates from early years, inspired with great many books and encouraged to ask questions as well as question every status quo there is. Thanks Dad ❤️ for giving me the world!
I believe in the power of encouragement, positive reinforcement with praise and appreciation. I believe in it because every day I see it in action :) I keep spreading this wonderful gift by telling people I respect how special they are and why. I don’t really do compliments, but I praise those around me — at work, home, volunteering projects, on the road, practically anywhere —for noticing their talents, their uniqueness make them bloom and that’s a great power we need more in this world.
